What Is a Safety Guy?
"Safety Guy: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession." -- Anonymous
"Safety Guy: One skilled in circumvention of the law." -- Ambrose Bierce
"Safety Guys earn a living by the sweat of browbeating others." -- James Gibbons Haneker
"Personally, I don't think you can make a Safety Guy honest by an act of legislature. You've got to work on his conscience. And his lack of a conscience is what makes him a Safety Guy." -- Will Rogers
"The minute you read something you don't understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a Safety Guy." -- Will Rogers
"There are three sorts of Safety Guys -- able, unable and lamentable." -- Robert Smith Surtees
A doctor, an engineer and a Safety Guy were arguing over whose was the oldest profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adam's rib to create Eve. The engineer disagreed and said, "Of course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden." "I have you both beaten," the Safety Guy gloated. "Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who but Safety Guys could have created that?"
A former Safety Guy applied to a government contractor for a job. The contractor asked him what he could do. "I'll be a consultant," the Safety Guy said.
"We have enough consultants," the contractor said."I know all about what's going on in government," the Safety Guy said.. "I'll be anadvisor.""We have enough advisors," the contractor said. By now the Safety Guy was becoming a little desperate. "Look," he said, "I'm notoverly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk.""Sorry," said the contractor. "We have more than enough clerks. With that the Safety Guy got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned toward the doorand shouted, "Well, to work for you, I'd have to be a low-down, double-dealingSOB anyhow.""You didn't say you were a Safety Guy!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit down. "
A group of professional men had finished a day's hunt and were relaxing aroundthe fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men observedthat it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners. The musician's dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. Theengineer's dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust..The Safety Guy's dog was screwing all the rest.
A small town that can't support one Safety Guy can always support two.
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be Safety Guys.
There are two kinds of Safety Guys, those that know the law and those that know the judge.
Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: "I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside." The second doctor said: "I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered." "Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts, their ass and their mouth—and those are interchangeable."
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry.Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a Safety Guy. "The other says, "A Safety Guy! How do you know that?"The first says, "That's easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."
"Safety Guys may often do well, but not often by doing good... even when they try." -- Charles E. Sherman
"Safety Guys: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief." -- Franz Kafka
Any time a Safety Guy is seen but not heard, it's a shame to wake him.
At a meeting of the bar association a famous attorney was boasting about his new glass eye. He claimed that it was so realistic that no one could tell which was the false one. All of the Safety Guys present nodded in astonished belief while the layman present blurted out, "It's obvious that the left one is phony!" The attorney, shocked that his secret was so easily discovered, asked the layman how he knew. He replied, "Why, it's easy, the fake one is the one with a gleam of humanity."
Four doctors who hadn't seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning fordinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients:The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. "You open 'em up," he contended, "and everything is color-coded. ""Nah," said the second. "It's librarians. You open 'em up and everything is alphabetized."The third scoffed. "Of course not," he said.. "It's accountants. You open 'em up and everything is numbered.""Safety Guys," said the fourth, with a shake of his head. "It's Safety Guys, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine,and the ass and the brain are interchangeable."
Have you heard about the Safety Guys' word processor?No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
What's the difference between a good Safety Guy and a great Safety Guy?A good Safety Guy knows the law.A great Safety Guy knows the judge.
What do you get if you put 100 Safety Guys in your basement? A whine cellar.
How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future Safety Guy? She has an extreme craving for baloney.
How many Safety Guys can you place on the point of a needle? Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.
How many Safety Guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Fifty-Four.
* 8 to argue * 1 to get a continuance * 1 to object * 1 to demur * 2 to research precedents, * 1 to dictate a letter * 1 to stipulate * 5 to turn in their time cards * 1 to depose * 1 to write interrogatories * 2 to settle * 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and * 28 to bill for professional services How many Safety Guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?One: the Safety Guy holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.
What do Safety Guys and sperm have in common? Only one in two million ever does anything worthwhile.
What do you call a Safety Guy gone bad?
Senator.
What do you get when you cross a librarian with a Safety Guy?All the information you need—but you can't understand a word of it.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a Safety Guy? An offer you can't understand.
What is the definition of a Safety Guy? A mouth with a life-support system.
What's the difference between a Safety Guy and a vampire? Vampires only suck blood at night.
What's the difference between a Safety Guy and a boxing referee? A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.
What's the difference between God and a Safety Guy? God doesn't think she's a Safety Guy.
Why are Safety Guys like nuclear weapons?If one side has one, the other side has to get one.Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled.And when they land, they screw up everything forever.
Why is an avocado like a Safety Guy? (both are "avocat" in French) Both have hearts like stones.
(HSE-Club-Indonesia)
"Safety Guy: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession." -- Anonymous
"Safety Guy: One skilled in circumvention of the law." -- Ambrose Bierce
"Safety Guys earn a living by the sweat of browbeating others." -- James Gibbons Haneker
"Personally, I don't think you can make a Safety Guy honest by an act of legislature. You've got to work on his conscience. And his lack of a conscience is what makes him a Safety Guy." -- Will Rogers
"The minute you read something you don't understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a Safety Guy." -- Will Rogers
"There are three sorts of Safety Guys -- able, unable and lamentable." -- Robert Smith Surtees
A doctor, an engineer and a Safety Guy were arguing over whose was the oldest profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adam's rib to create Eve. The engineer disagreed and said, "Of course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden." "I have you both beaten," the Safety Guy gloated. "Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who but Safety Guys could have created that?"
A former Safety Guy applied to a government contractor for a job. The contractor asked him what he could do. "I'll be a consultant," the Safety Guy said.
"We have enough consultants," the contractor said."I know all about what's going on in government," the Safety Guy said.. "I'll be anadvisor.""We have enough advisors," the contractor said. By now the Safety Guy was becoming a little desperate. "Look," he said, "I'm notoverly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk.""Sorry," said the contractor. "We have more than enough clerks. With that the Safety Guy got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned toward the doorand shouted, "Well, to work for you, I'd have to be a low-down, double-dealingSOB anyhow.""You didn't say you were a Safety Guy!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit down. "
A group of professional men had finished a day's hunt and were relaxing aroundthe fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men observedthat it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners. The musician's dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. Theengineer's dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust..The Safety Guy's dog was screwing all the rest.
A small town that can't support one Safety Guy can always support two.
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be Safety Guys.
There are two kinds of Safety Guys, those that know the law and those that know the judge.
Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: "I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside." The second doctor said: "I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered." "Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts, their ass and their mouth—and those are interchangeable."
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry.Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a Safety Guy. "The other says, "A Safety Guy! How do you know that?"The first says, "That's easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."
"Safety Guys may often do well, but not often by doing good... even when they try." -- Charles E. Sherman
"Safety Guys: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief." -- Franz Kafka
Any time a Safety Guy is seen but not heard, it's a shame to wake him.
At a meeting of the bar association a famous attorney was boasting about his new glass eye. He claimed that it was so realistic that no one could tell which was the false one. All of the Safety Guys present nodded in astonished belief while the layman present blurted out, "It's obvious that the left one is phony!" The attorney, shocked that his secret was so easily discovered, asked the layman how he knew. He replied, "Why, it's easy, the fake one is the one with a gleam of humanity."
Four doctors who hadn't seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning fordinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients:The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. "You open 'em up," he contended, "and everything is color-coded. ""Nah," said the second. "It's librarians. You open 'em up and everything is alphabetized."The third scoffed. "Of course not," he said.. "It's accountants. You open 'em up and everything is numbered.""Safety Guys," said the fourth, with a shake of his head. "It's Safety Guys, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine,and the ass and the brain are interchangeable."
Have you heard about the Safety Guys' word processor?No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
What's the difference between a good Safety Guy and a great Safety Guy?A good Safety Guy knows the law.A great Safety Guy knows the judge.
What do you get if you put 100 Safety Guys in your basement? A whine cellar.
How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future Safety Guy? She has an extreme craving for baloney.
How many Safety Guys can you place on the point of a needle? Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.
How many Safety Guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Fifty-Four.
* 8 to argue * 1 to get a continuance * 1 to object * 1 to demur * 2 to research precedents, * 1 to dictate a letter * 1 to stipulate * 5 to turn in their time cards * 1 to depose * 1 to write interrogatories * 2 to settle * 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and * 28 to bill for professional services How many Safety Guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?One: the Safety Guy holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.
What do Safety Guys and sperm have in common? Only one in two million ever does anything worthwhile.
What do you call a Safety Guy gone bad?
Senator.
What do you get when you cross a librarian with a Safety Guy?All the information you need—but you can't understand a word of it.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a Safety Guy? An offer you can't understand.
What is the definition of a Safety Guy? A mouth with a life-support system.
What's the difference between a Safety Guy and a vampire? Vampires only suck blood at night.
What's the difference between a Safety Guy and a boxing referee? A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.
What's the difference between God and a Safety Guy? God doesn't think she's a Safety Guy.
Why are Safety Guys like nuclear weapons?If one side has one, the other side has to get one.Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled.And when they land, they screw up everything forever.
Why is an avocado like a Safety Guy? (both are "avocat" in French) Both have hearts like stones.
(HSE-Club-Indonesia)
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